so i might know your mind

♪♫ and i'll bring you hope, when hope is hard to find. and i'll bring a song of love and a rose in the wintertime ♫♪

Alex, 19, NY, 5T4S.

I don’t deserve to be in college.

I’m not smart enough
I’m not motivated enough to do homework

I hate essays and procrastinate so much on them

I shouldn’t be an English major: theory and essays aren’t my thing

I don’t want to do this anymore but I’m going to and I have to and I know it’ll be better later

but I really don’t deserve to be here I’m not good enough

penniedreadfuls replied to your post: “Getting back on to post this, word for word:”:
wow. well she did say some dumb things in our writing class

just ARGH like I am SORRY that your parents didn’t plan for you to go to college and so you had to pay your own way and I am really impressed by how responsible you are and how much adulting you do but is it necessary for you to be mean about my situation??

Getting back on to post this, word for word:

"As a recent college grad, who worked fulltime and lived on her own through most of her undergrad years, I’m worried that parents are not teaching our future leaders, teachers and laborers enough responsibility. It’s wonderful that parents are able to provide more for their kids, like mine were not, but maybe when it comes to teaching how to be an adult, less is more."




edit: called her and asked her what was up with this. Said she was jealous of my situation and didn’t mean to hurt my feelings. She didn’t actually apologize until after I said “I accept your apology” so guess that was bitchy on my part but really, like, ow.

Pretty sure she didn’t mean me to see this but, hey, whatever.

 Everyone’s situations are different and I would be living at home and not in college if my parents weren’t paying for it because there is NO WAY I could have gotten and held a job while I was super sick, considering I could barely do school. But, y’know, I don’t have enough responsibility cuz I don’t have a full time job and go to school, not to mention the other people we know like that and who have a job for savings and spending money…which I do catering for, and am looking for another job. 

edit edit: She texted apologizing again. That is appreciated but I’m still upset. I’ll calm down. I’ll forgive her. But… “less is more” like REALLY c’mon.

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My nurse here said that she’s confident in my ability to be okay at Unirondack and be responsible and there’s a hospital there so YAY!!

Now to get permission from my nurses in Albany…

I might just do it anyway, if I don’t have a consistent one.

(This is promising for Binghamton, as well!!)

oh shit?

I’m not allowed to travel with my PICC, and this meant no Ashokan, no UULTI, no Stearns/Fox camping, and now I’m realizing that there are a LOT of other things associated with this…

I’m not allowed to: travel, lift anything heavier than 10 lbs, sweat too much, get  the dressing wet (hence no sweating), or get too hot (sweat, and actual heat), be anywhere too humid (like by a lake). So I have spent A RIDICULOUS AMOUNT OF TIME INSIDE IN THIS WEATHER BECAUSE I’M NOT ALLOWED TO BE HOT OR GET SWEATY OR HUMID OR ANYTHING AFDHJILA;SJFDIAS;GAH :( 

1) No Renn Faire (too hot)

2) No Flurry? If I can’t dance, can’t lift anything heavier than 10lbs I can’t volunteer so there’s no point in me going, paying that much, and not being able to dance

3) No studying abroad (though this is just in general with lyme, not picc specific)

4) I’m not allowed to travel and have to tell my nurse wherever I’m going and when just in case something happens, and I have to have my dressing changed every 7 days (or less).

I’m pretty sure that this will fuck up a few things: 

a) going and seeing Ben during the fall semester

b) going home for a weekend when I feel like it/am homesick

c) going home for breaks other than summer break

d) visiting any of my friends

e) going to slams, contra, concerts…? 

5) No working catering. It’s hot, sweaty, and involves lifting/pushing stuff (which I’m not allowed to do). My nurse is already pretty happy that I haven’t been working at the bakery these past few weeks (they haven’t been busy enough to need me) because it’s been making my PICC less bleed-y but money??? :( I work so I have some freedom and can buy myself things and other people things and so I can put stuff in savings that I am NOT going to dip into because they are for more important things but fjias;fjdias; :(

in short, i’m afraid that this is going to affect me a whole fuck lot more than I originally realized.

 I’ve been trying to stay sane and maintain some semblance of independence while dealing with this, and not being reliant on everything from my parents and being able to just stay out all night if I wanted to (haven’t yet but whatever) and just…sadness about all this, finally hitting me again

Irregardless of whatever people say, I feel like a failure when I can’t do something due to Lyme or treatment for Lyme. I’m sorry.





Life Lately with Lyme


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sick, tired, sad

tired sick can’t sleep have papers to write at home for Dad’s birthday and now it’s over and I miss you guys back at school but damn it I just want to stay here where I feel safe and taken care of and loved and where the only responsibility I have is feeding the cats and making tea I just don’t want to feel sick anymore but dr’s appt tomorrow i have no idea what’s going to happen

I just want to sleep